I wrote this about a year ago and still don't know how i came up with it. Hope you like it. ^-^
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The whistle of the wind
The song of the rain
The voice of a mother
The cry of a babe
The wind in my ear
The rain on my skin
The mother beside me
The babe near
Whistle along with the whistling wind
Sing along with the singing rain
Listen to the voice of the mother wise
Comfort the cry of the baby’s eyes
The whistle of the wind
The song of the rain
The voice of a mother
The cry of the babe
Listen
Learn
Follow the sounds
Play your own song
And join the symphony of life
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Tell me what you think. Oh, and if I have any mistakes, tell me that too.
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,755 Reviews
this is not bad. i like the idea behind it and it could use some work but it is great through. oh yeah and i agree with the others. it does have a lot of potential. keep it up!
Sorry I didn't mean to send that I wasn't finished
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You need to improve on writting image, I know that doesn't really make sense but here's an example :
Whistle along with the whistling wind
This line has no image.
Really try and improve on this okay?
-Meg
It needs more of some punctuation, abd I agree with Black star of darkness there isn't really an image
I like the poem, as I think it has a good, clear rhythm
However, like others have said before me, it needs more of some punctuation, and some more imagery to add vibrance to the poem, instead of it sounding like a sort of chant.
The final stanza is very good though, as it adds a good idea to the to overall poem.
Keep writing, these are good ideas!
thank you. I'm always bad with punctuation, but your kind words make me fell like i have accomplished something.
Hey, this had some really good elements to it and I liked the idea behind it.
I think you need some punctuation in there - at the moment the words are sort of hanging or floating around with no real structure. Here's a link if you would like a bit of help with punctuation : viewarticlebody.php?t=18791
I also would like to see some description. I know the style is short and snappy so maybe some short metaphors would work well.
Another thing is the repetition. It sort of makes it song-like and to be honest I think you could scrap the second time you have this
paragraph altogether. It doesn't add anything to the poem.
I liked the final paragraph and the idea of 'the symphony of life'. Try adding a LOT more description about the sounds, feelings, tastes, etc of life to your poem. This will also add to the length, which, if you take out the repeated paragraph, is very short.
All the best and keep writing!
Alainna
xxx
This poem has quite a lot of potential, Lady of Fire. Your images, while not necessarily the most original or the most vibrantly conveyed, are solid and easily accessible, and do paint a nice mental picture. One thing you might want to do is use punctuation more. Punctuation, while it may seem like the sort of thing a poet gifted with words doesn't need to bother with, is actually vital to a poem's reception. Think about it--without punctuation, the reader has no idea how the poem is to be read, which words or lines should get the most emphasis, and where to pause for added tension.
With a lullaby sort of poem like this one, there isn't much tension, I understand, but there should be a little bit more drama, a little more movement. A healthy dose of punctuation would do a lot for this poem, I think.
Good luck!
Fand